It was almost like it used to be, years ago. Before we had kids, before we owned houses, before we were married. Just the two of us, seeing the latest movie in the theater. It was familiar and strange at the same time.
Just Me
Sometimes I feel like this past year has turned me from Caitlin into a mom, and nothing more. Don't get me wrong, being a mom is awesome, but every once in a while something happens that leaves me feeling a little funny. Someone will ask me a question I normally would know the answer to, and I realize I have no clue.
For instance, I went to a Red Sox game recently! There was a time where I'd go to 10-15 games a season, and lately I'm lucky when I average one. This was actually a pretty easy game to go to, but it still required a bit of planning. I went with my co-workers, and it was a 1:05 game. Tom worked from home so he could do daycare pickup, but I still managed to get home for bedtime.
A Birthday Wish
I ran out of wipes, once, when we were on vacation. Even though I had packed one of those huge packs from Costco, and even though I had a backup in the diaper bag, we ran out. I remember the panic that came with knowing that I had no more. It wasn't even that big of a problem, really. It meant an extra trip to town to go buy more, but that wasn't a huge deal. I missed an hour of time with my baby, and Tom had to deal with some witching hour antics by himself, but it was fine. I ran out, bought some more, and our crisis was over. I remember I barely even paused in the aisle with the wipes. I grabbed whatever was closest, and was on my way.
Inside My Mind
Although most days I'm back to feeling like myself - calm, level headed, in control, uncaring about obnoxious people - there are still occasional days where I can't turn it off. The anxiety that has popped up sporadically since giving birth makes a reappearance and there seems to be nothing to do but wait it out.
No Winning
The mom guilt is real, y'all.
What do you do when there's only two options, and both of them have negative consequences? There is no winning no matter what you choose. Do you make a choice and move on? Or do you cry yourself to sleep trying to figure out what the magical third option that doesn't exist is, and wonder why you didn't do that instead?
My Favorite Part of My Mornings
One of the hardest parts of being a working mom for me, is that after I put E to bed at night, I don't see him again until I pick him up at daycare the next day. When I leave to go to work he's still sleeping, and so I miss his mornings. That's especially sad, because he's so happy in the mornings, and it's seriously the best time of day to spend with him. It's nice because Tom gets that time, but selfishly I miss it. Especially because my time with him during the week is the cranky, waiting until bedtime time. Which is why my weekends are so sacred to me. I get mornings, I get happy baby, I get more time.
A Jumble of Thoughts
I've been meaning to write something like this for a while, but have been struggling to put my thoughts together. And struggling with if I even wanted to share. And then once I think about sharing, the sheer amount of stuff I want to talk about comes pouring out.
Being a parent is hard. And I struggle a lot with if I'm editing too much to make it look all sunshine and rainbows, and leaving out some of the harder parts. Because the last thing I want to do is make someone else feel bad because they think that I have it all together when in reality I don't.
Helpful Navigation
Where We're At
It's been a long week, and we're spending a bit of time trying to recover from it.
Under normal circumstances, it would have been exhausting. It started off with a visit from E's other grandparents, and continued with a trip out of the house every day this week, when normally we only leave once. All three of us are requiring all of the naps to get back to normal!
Naptime Snuggles
E's Best Buddies
I'm not sure if E will be an extrovert or an introvert yet. I go back and forth all the time with what I think. He's a Gemini like me, and usually needs a lot of time to recover from any outings we have (of course that could just be a baby thing). On the flip side, he loves social interactions and is always wide eyed, taking it all in.
How Quickly Things Change
I'm still adjusting to how different my days look now. No more dressing up in business casual. No more commuting. No more meetings and presentations. No more interacting with other adults. Instead I'm home all day with this tiny human. Oddly enough, my days are actually less predictable than they used to be.
I have no idea how long E will sleep, or where. If it's going to be a day full of crying, or if I'll be able to get things done. And I'm still surprised at how quickly things can change. For example, this was a small chunk of a recent Monday:
Celebrating the 4th
Proving Us Wrong
I feel like E might be one of those people who when you tell them they can't do something, they're going to work non stop until they can.
Case in point, I just mentioned that we had his one month check up. At the check up we learned he was ity bity, and discussed a few developmental milestones that he hadn't quite hit... yet.
In Search of a Doctor
I always knew that one of my jobs as a mom would be to advocate for my children. I just didn't think that it would start so soon!
When I was pregnant, Tom and I did a lot of research on things we'd need once E was here, one of which was a pediatrician. We found a practice that was RAVED about, we even attended a new parent's night there to get a feel for it. It seemed like a great fit, and so we scheduled our newborn appointment there.
One Month!
E's one month update!
Nick Names: Bubba, Bubby, Buddy
Height: TBD (at our appointment tomorrow)
Weight: TBD (at our appointment tomorrow)
Special Outings: First Movie (Cars 3), Hiking at Breakheart, Random Shopping Trips
Visitors: My parents, Aunt Joanie & Brookie, Nicole, Stephen & Alice, Aunt Raina
Loves: Warm baths, Eating, Sleeping in someone's arms
Hates: Being cold, Gas pains
The Day I left the House
When my doula came for her postpartum visit, I talked to her about how I didn't think I'd ever do anything this summer but sit on the couch with the baby. She told me to take two weeks to do absolutely nothing, and not feel guilty about it, and then to get up and start doing things.
Ever the overachiever, I took four. To be fair, I did leave the house and go on adventures when Tom was home, I just didn't do it alone. I guess it's easier to justify doing nothing when the day before we'd gone on a hike, or to a farmer's market, or shopping.
A New Normal
I had to go into the city the other day.
It's weird, I've only been gone 3 weeks, but already everything is foreign. I got off at the same T stop I used to get off at every day for work. And already it felt as if I was getting off at a random stop in a different city. Nothing seemed familiar and I felt lost, even though I knew where I was going.
First Few Weeks
Heading Home
E was born Sunday morning, which meant that we headed home from the hospital on Tuesday afternoon. I thought it was going to feel weirder than it did, but I think because every part of this process has seemed surreal, this wasn't any different. I still don't think it ever set in that I was pregnant, I'm just continuing that denial now that E is here. I swear sometimes I look down at this little baby in my arms and just think "WHO GAVE ME A BABY!?"