A New Normal

I had to go into the city the other day.

It's weird, I've only been gone 3 weeks, but already everything is foreign. I got off at the same T stop I used to get off at every day for work. And already it felt as if I was getting off at a random stop in a different city. Nothing seemed familiar and I felt lost, even though I knew where I was going.

Even the act of riding the T felt different (especially since no one offered me a seat for the first time in months!).

I've noticed it in general - every time I leave the house by myself, I have this low level anxiety as if I've never done this before. Like I've forgotten how to go shopping, or be independent, or just be in the outside world.

My life is so different now it's like I expect everything else to be different. Or I've forgotten how to do anything besides take care of a tiny human.  A very important job, but so different from everything I've been doing for the past 30 years.

Because it's such a weird feeling, I've yet to leave the house with E by myself when we weren't required to. I keep saying we'll go out just because, to go for a walk or take a trip to target, but it hasn't happened yet. Instead I just wait until I have someone to go with me. Is it easier? Yes...but the real reason is because I'm still a little scared to go by myself. To be the sole one responsible, even though I know I'll be fine.  It also seems like so much work!  No longer can I just leave the house and drive off.  It's a whole process now. 

It's only been 3 weeks. I know I'll get there. Already my confidence is way higher than it was even a week ago (which I think is noticeable to people who have visited more than once).  Who knows what life will look like in a few more weeks.