I've been in such a countdown and list mode lately. Countdown to visits or vacations or SPRING. Lists of things to pack or finish or put away. Constantly running through my head. And because of that I feel like I haven't let myself sit back and enjoy lately.
On the rare mornings when I get to wake E up, I'm thinking about getting him dressed and getting him a bottle more than just sitting and playing with him. At night I'm running schedules through my mind and making sure he's napping or eating or ready for bed instead of enjoying the minutes I have with him.
I'm not sure how to change it, I just know that I should. Maybe it's just waiting until my plate is a little less full, or being more conscious about it.
I want to remember the little moments, instead of the times I had his lunch packed before bedtime. Moments like tonight when we were standing in the bathroom with the shower running (E's got a bit of a cold, so he was getting some steam before bed). He had his head down, resting on my chest, eyes closed. His small hand was scratching at my sweatshirt, until it closed around my sweatshirt cord. The next thing I knew, his little head popped up, he turned so he was looking right at me, his face just inches from mine. And his lips were puckered as he was sucking on my sweatshirt cord, his eyes were big, wide, and almost crossing. And he just sat there, looking at me like that.
A little bit creepy, a little bit amazing, haha.
The photos are hard too. When I'm in the moment, playing with him, I try not to take photos. They distract me from having fun and enjoying our time together. But then I end up at work the next day and wish I had more pictures to look at. I get frustrated that I only took two pictures over the weekend and neither of them turned out great. So the next time we're playing I spend time trying to get a cute picture.. and then I'm not enjoying the moment.
Do I wish I had a picture of him sucking that sweatshirt cord with his big eyes looking up at me? Kind of. But am I also glad I just stood there, squeezed him, and laughed in the moment? Yeah, I am.