I feel like I've been sleepwalking lately. I'm kind of wandering around, room to room, pacing back and forth, not sure what to do. It's a weird feeling. It's knowing my entire life is going to change, but not exactly how. It's almost like being pregnant, but not quite. Maybe if we'd had a scheduled c-section it would be the same feeling - a countdown to a life changing day.
I know I need to be prepared; I know it's going to be hard. I just don't know how to prepare. How hard it's going to be.
I feel like I should be savoring every moment. But every time I squeeze E he shrieks and pushes me away. I try to breathe in his scent, but all I get is a whiff of a stinky baby that needs a bath. I look down at his beautiful little sleeping face and try to memorize every inch, and then he lifts his head and throws up all down my shirt.
So today I start back at work. After 16 weeks away. It's going to be long and weird and I don't know what to expect. But I imagine that just like the past 16 weeks, there's going to be great moments and awful ones. Some days I'm going to love being a mom and some days I'm going to resent it. And that's life.
Some days I'm so glad I have a job to go back to, and some days I wish I had the flexibility to be a stay at home mom. I dream of winning the lottery, having a bunch of kids, and homeschooling them. But since I don't actually buy lottery tickets, and we're not swimming in cash, that's not a possibility.
So in the meantime, I'll be over here... trying to figure out my new normal.
