I’m actually doing okay this week, physically at least. Mentally I’m all over the place. Both with worrying about E (even though I know he’s fine) and new baby (who’s going to be uber monitored so I also shouldn’t be worried), but I really feel like I could use a relaxing vacation or something right now (never going to happen).
It’s time to get BIG!
Seriously though. They say that everything happens quicker in subsequent pregnancies because your body remembers this time around, but whoa is it true. It’s like my body just said “oh remember what it felt like to be 9 months pregnant? Let’s jump there NOW!”
So I’m feeling very big, and slow, and out of breath. I can’t breathe very well and doing almost anything leaves me panting. Who would have thought sitting on the couch would be so hard? My clothes are already uncomfortable, and it’s already impossible for me to find a position to sleep or sit in that feels good.
It's so easy to get caught up in routines and responsibilities. Head down, moving along until the next appointment or time you need to be doing something. I forget, sometimes, to stop and look around. To breathe and enjoy the fact that it's no longer winter. To sit and be happy with nothing to do. To get outside at lunch, instead of sitting at my desk because it's what I did yesterday.
It's that time again!
It's getting warmer, the food trucks are attracting large numbers of people, the farmer's market is back in Dewey Square, and my favorite mural space is getting and update!
It was almost like it used to be, years ago. Before we had kids, before we owned houses, before we were married. Just the two of us, seeing the latest movie in the theater. It was familiar and strange at the same time.
Sometimes I feel like this past year has turned me from Caitlin into a mom, and nothing more. Don't get me wrong, being a mom is awesome, but every once in a while something happens that leaves me feeling a little funny. Someone will ask me a question I normally would know the answer to, and I realize I have no clue.
For instance, I went to a Red Sox game recently! There was a time where I'd go to 10-15 games a season, and lately I'm lucky when I average one. This was actually a pretty easy game to go to, but it still required a bit of planning. I went with my co-workers, and it was a 1:05 game. Tom worked from home so he could do daycare pickup, but I still managed to get home for bedtime.
I ran out of wipes, once, when we were on vacation. Even though I had packed one of those huge packs from Costco, and even though I had a backup in the diaper bag, we ran out. I remember the panic that came with knowing that I had no more. It wasn't even that big of a problem, really. It meant an extra trip to town to go buy more, but that wasn't a huge deal. I missed an hour of time with my baby, and Tom had to deal with some witching hour antics by himself, but it was fine. I ran out, bought some more, and our crisis was over. I remember I barely even paused in the aisle with the wipes. I grabbed whatever was closest, and was on my way.
Although most days I'm back to feeling like myself - calm, level headed, in control, uncaring about obnoxious people - there are still occasional days where I can't turn it off. The anxiety that has popped up sporadically since giving birth makes a reappearance and there seems to be nothing to do but wait it out.
The mom guilt is real, y'all.
What do you do when there's only two options, and both of them have negative consequences? There is no winning no matter what you choose. Do you make a choice and move on? Or do you cry yourself to sleep trying to figure out what the magical third option that doesn't exist is, and wonder why you didn't do that instead?
One of the hardest parts of being a working mom for me, is that after I put E to bed at night, I don't see him again until I pick him up at daycare the next day. When I leave to go to work he's still sleeping, and so I miss his mornings. That's especially sad, because he's so happy in the mornings, and it's seriously the best time of day to spend with him. It's nice because Tom gets that time, but selfishly I miss it. Especially because my time with him during the week is the cranky, waiting until bedtime time. Which is why my weekends are so sacred to me. I get mornings, I get happy baby, I get more time.
I've been meaning to write something like this for a while, but have been struggling to put my thoughts together. And struggling with if I even wanted to share. And then once I think about sharing, the sheer amount of stuff I want to talk about comes pouring out.
Being a parent is hard. And I struggle a lot with if I'm editing too much to make it look all sunshine and rainbows, and leaving out some of the harder parts. Because the last thing I want to do is make someone else feel bad because they think that I have it all together when in reality I don't.
So lately I've been updating some of the pages around here, but I realized that's a bit useless if I don't tell anyone about it. So I apologize for the break in normal updates and cute baby pictures, but maybe some of this information will be useful!
It's been a long week, and we're spending a bit of time trying to recover from it.
Under normal circumstances, it would have been exhausting. It started off with a visit from E's other grandparents, and continued with a trip out of the house every day this week, when normally we only leave once. All three of us are requiring all of the naps to get back to normal!
It's been a long week which I'll give updates on later, so for now I just wanted to post this quick story I shared on facebook yesterday:
I'm not sure if E will be an extrovert or an introvert yet. I go back and forth all the time with what I think. He's a Gemini like me, and usually needs a lot of time to recover from any outings we have (of course that could just be a baby thing). On the flip side, he loves social interactions and is always wide eyed, taking it all in.
I'm still adjusting to how different my days look now. No more dressing up in business casual. No more commuting. No more meetings and presentations. No more interacting with other adults. Instead I'm home all day with this tiny human. Oddly enough, my days are actually less predictable than they used to be.
I have no idea how long E will sleep, or where. If it's going to be a day full of crying, or if I'll be able to get things done. And I'm still surprised at how quickly things can change. For example, this was a small chunk of a recent Monday:
E celebrated his first 4th of July!
We started out by stopping by the annual bbq that my boss throws. We live in the same town, so it was close and easy to drop by. E behaved beautifully, and ended up with quite the fan base there.
I feel like E might be one of those people who when you tell them they can't do something, they're going to work non stop until they can.
Case in point, I just mentioned that we had his one month check up. At the check up we learned he was ity bity, and discussed a few developmental milestones that he hadn't quite hit... yet.
I always knew that one of my jobs as a mom would be to advocate for my children. I just didn't think that it would start so soon!
When I was pregnant, Tom and I did a lot of research on things we'd need once E was here, one of which was a pediatrician. We found a practice that was RAVED about, we even attended a new parent's night there to get a feel for it. It seemed like a great fit, and so we scheduled our newborn appointment there.