Today's the Day


I feel like I've been sleepwalking lately.  I'm kind of wandering around, room to room, pacing back and forth, not sure what to do. It's a weird feeling.  It's knowing my entire life is going to change, but not exactly how.  It's almost like being pregnant, but not quite.  Maybe if we'd had a scheduled c-section it would be the same feeling - a countdown to a life changing day. 

I know I need to be prepared; I know it's going to be hard.  I just don't know how to prepare.  How hard it's going to be.

I feel like I should be savoring every moment.  But every time I squeeze E he shrieks and pushes me away.  I try to breathe in his scent, but all I get is a whiff of a stinky baby that needs a bath.  I look down at his beautiful little sleeping face and try to memorize every inch, and then he lifts his head and throws up all down my shirt. 

So today I start back at work.  After 16 weeks away.  It's going to be long and weird and I don't know what to expect.  But I imagine that just like the past 16 weeks, there's going to be great moments and awful ones.  Some days I'm going to love being a mom and some days I'm going to resent it.  And that's life. 


Some days I'm so glad I have a job to go back to, and some days I wish I had the flexibility to be a stay at home mom.  I dream of winning the lottery, having a bunch of kids, and homeschooling them.  But since I don't actually buy lottery tickets, and we're not swimming in cash, that's not a possibility.

So in the meantime, I'll be over here... trying to figure out my new normal. 

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