I Don't Think I Can

28 Weeks

Week 28... the week that broke me. 

Some women are really good at being pregnant.  Some love it.  A coworker of mine has 4 children and confessed she had thought about being a surrogate, since she loved it so much.  All I can think about is, "WHY DIDN'T I HIRE A SURROGATE!?"  I'm obviously not one of those women who love this.  I hate it, it's horrible, and this week I've officially reached my breaking point.  

The worst part is the guilt that brings when you don't enjoy being pregnant.  Especially because I have so many friends who would do anything to be pregnant right now... and here I am taking it for granted.  Which I'm not, I know it's a miracle and that I'm one of the lucky ones, but still that's the perception. 

But the truth is, I'm in pain.  My back hurts, my ribs and abdomen feel bruised, and various other body parts are in SO MUCH PAIN.  I'm also exhausted, and I'm dizzy, and my head is pounding and those are just the cute easy symptoms to talk about.  

And every day all I can think is, I still have 12+ more weeks of this?!  I'm obsessing with getting to 30 weeks because at least then I'll be in a week that starts with a 3, and that seems better... but then as my friend reminded me, there's still a wicked long way to go from 30 weeks!  I actually started a daily countdown so at least I'm seeing number move every day. 

I guess I always expected the physical aspect to be hard, but I wasn't prepared for mentally how tough it can be.  There's no tapping out.  There's no taking a break.. you're pregnant and the only way out is 40 weeks down the road. No cheating.  But how much I would love a day where no one was playing with my ribs or spinning in circles at 3am.

The good news is that not every day is like this.  I had two really bad days this week and then took a day to work from home which helped me reset a bit.  Some days require extra rest, or tears, or some radioactive green slushy drink I made Tom get me :)

All I can hope is that I have more good days than bad days, because bad days are exhausting and hard.

And if all else fails, someone just knock me out and wake me when we reach 9 months, okay?